Name That Emotion

     I am so sad this morning I can hardly see straight. (I am in pajamas as I type.) This church of a house that I live in, is somber and quiet. Even the dogs look dismayed (though I'm sure that's just them picking up on me, cause let's face it...that's what dogs do, but I digress...)
     By design I opted to take a knee on this one...Give it a day of silence. Give my emotions a day of rest.
     I am sad to admit that these hearings hit me like a line of crack (Do they do crack in lines? Maybe that was not a good analogy, but you know what I was shooting for...) My point is, for all the discipline of coming off mic and moving back to the country, learning, laughing and dancing with the moods of Mother Nature, getting my hands in the dirt while surrounding myself with funny-faced goats and huggable furry dogs, it only took one election cycle to lure me back in and and remind me all over again why I used to answer the question: Do you miss your former political days with a simple: Miss the players, not the anger. (The anger bugged me then. It's off the charts now. I would not do well to be swimming in those waters ever again....again ...digress)
     I think I have the emotion right. (Sad comes with tears, right?) I decided before this day to do myself a favor and simply keep the TV off. Turns out, with nothing to distract, things bubbled up, and what bubbled up from deep inside of me was a bunch of pure, raw... sad.

     I am sad for the state of our nation...Sad for the leader we've chosen...Sad that in the end, our final option was a "lesser of evils" kinda option.
     I am sad for the state of the world right now...Sad for what others must think of us. Much as I work on not giving a rip what anyone else thinks because I'm told what other people think should be none of my business, well guess what? I'm not that advanced yet. I still care. Whadayaknow? ..Here it is ~ Showing up as sad.
     I am sad other countries don't respect us (Don't get me wrong. I'm sure they fear us, as anything could go wrong with insanity in charge, but that's not the same as respect. Fear is a short term fix to a long term problem and we can't just keep playing the "Fear us" card in hopes it will eventually become respect.
     Most of all I'm sad for what this is doing to our lives...in our homes...between our families, our working peers, our friends. I am sad this thing has divided us as it has and I'm frustrated as to how best to cope. (I think a shrink would say I should deal with my sad first....and hey, at least sad beats anger. But lucky for anger, I'm too tired to deal in anger, plus I don't want to add any more pain than is already out there. Anger makes me want to take it out on someone else. Sad just leaves it stuck here with me to figure out. This is exhausting.)

     For what it's worth I am not a big protester kind of person. I like being FOR things. I've heard it said that Mother Teresa was once asked to attend an anti war protest and she politely declined, adding "Now if you made it a peace rally, I'd be there." (I don't have sourcing on this, but it sounds like something Mother Teresa would say.) That said, my heart is with my female friends who today are marching...both in Nashville and in Washington (and I suppose in cities all across the country)  in peaceful protest. They represent me and my heart is with them. I am appalled at some of the things we've so blithely let slide when it comes to the crass and crude comments (not to mention behaviors) of our soon to be commander-in-chief and I cringed like nobody's business when I heard one of THE crudest lines to have ever been uttered when it came to blood and Megyn Kelly, after all Megyn is holding the kind of job I used to have (only LOADS bigger). Those of us IN those jobs look up to women like her and respect the heck out of a woman who worked and MADE it to that level of success. That was not funny to me. That one made me sad AND angry. Most of all it made me embarrassed.
     But to be clear, this is not about my political views or any one specific opinion of what it'll take to best run  this great country of ours (Don't get me wrong; I have many thoughts on this. But this blog is not about that.) And it is certainly not about me trying to persuade anyone to see things from my side and change who they are. (Although  I will say say most folks who think they know me would be surprised at how many views I share when it comes to keeping government to a minimum and I'm hoping like heck this president can at least get that part right as I sincerely believe he does know how to negotiate. I also believe that's why he won and believe it or not, I want these things too...I really do.  But it's the integrity of it all (or the lack thereof) that makes me sad. It's the lowering of the standard that has me hurting.
     I hurt to see Melania who didn't ask to be here and (as I observe it) is trying to protect her child, who (no one is saying, but is probably autistic) ....who likewise didn't want to be here...I hurt to think of a family, rich though they be are as dysfunctional as a family can be. (Take the rich part out and they probably DO represent a bunch of American modern families, so maybe we can relate to the dysfunctional parts, still and so, those  parts too made me cringe before it all got elevated. )
      It makes me sad to think we are probably going to witness our first divorce in the White House. (I can't help but study things like body language,  like no rings and forced hand-holdings. I can't help it. I'm a girl.) I am sad for the hearings that are something between a brag-a-thon and attack-a-thon....And I am sadder yet that all these people with that level of IQ (as Trump has repeatedly bragged) would not anticipate for themselves why certain conflicts of interest might look sketchy before a panel, much less a public. (They weren't ALL in this category let me be quick to say, but those who were, offended me that they did not so much as think they'd be asked the questions.)
     In the end, I guess I am most sad about the distance that is happening between us as the American people. Clearly the "haves" live in a different world view. The have-nots, voted them in out of protest. I am somewhere in the middle I guess, as is most of middle class America (and dang grateful to be given what I see in Aleppo and other war-torn countries). But I can't just hide my feelings under a rug right now because it is politically incorrect to speak out.

     All I can do is say "I'm sad....And these are the reasons why." And then sit with it...all day...distractions and temptations aside. All I can say is "I am sad."

     As a post script to this I would like to share what a dear shrink friend of mine once taught me (I call him a shrink-friend because he was a highly sought after shrink and he was likewise my friend. I would just say "He's my shrink" but I never paid him, save for a sandwich or two, so "shrink-friend" is our agreed upon title.) He taught me that emotions are like house guests that enter our minds... Some we like better than others. Others stay longer than we'd like. But not to worry...They'll eventually leave.

     So as I sit here with my mind-guest named Sad, wishing to heck she'd move on already, I take slightly small comfort in knowing she's not a live-in roommate...nor a partner of some kind.

     Guess the best I can do is pour her some tea...allow her (and me) the tears...And wait till she needs to pee all the while hoping she'll go home soon.
 

Sad Sorta Sunday

   

    The day started out sad, and ended on sad, painting everything in between with melancholy. Some days you just need a good cry. Today was one of those days.
     I opened up Facebook to find a friend had lost his dog of 15 years--a  post that netted him 78 replies. It lent meaning to stop and reflect on just how much dogs matter, and how deeply we're moved by their love.
     I had gone in search of funeral details for a friend gone way too early. I knew it would be standing room only, as Cindy was a beautiful girl, a beloved teacher and an inspiration to all who knew her.
     I watched mourner after mourner share story after story in loving tribute to how one life can touched so many.
     I guess some days we need reminding of just how preciously fragile life is. We start with a date and end with a date and the rest we sum up in a dash. What we do with our dash is all we'll ever be known for.

Somedays it's more than I can grasp.

No Pain Like Betrayal (On Unwanted Emotions)

            Not to be all glass half empty, but not everyday comes with glee. There are disappointments …fears…sadnesses. Face it, life is hard. Here of late seems everywhere I turn someone is going through something major, which makes me wonder just what’s about to happen. I feel like those elephants before the tsunami…You know, the ones that headed inland about a week before it hit, guided by something inside that kept them alive...?

Fortunately (or maybe not) we Americans are a blues-dodgin’ bunch. You gotta admit, we have more ways to avoid our feelings than Carter’s got little liver pills.  One glimpse of the evening news will catch you up on the latest anti-depressants (like we don’t need these just to watch the evening news). Alcohol consumption is on the rise. Clearly pot use is hot and happening.

If altering chemicals is not your thing, there are mental tricks to help you avoid those less than fun emotions. We can zombie out in front of the TV, watching shows so mindless they have to nudge us to laugh…or shows so traumatic we come away feeling better by comparison. Then there’s the good ol internet. We can catch up, stalk or scroll the night away, losing hours on end for having electronically reached out, in poor substitution for what real life relationships bring.

And if acting out to avoid your woes is your preference, why you can shop your way through them, eat your way around them…grab a movie and remove yourself from reality entirely for a couple of hours, only to find when you snap back, well, there you are again. Whatever you hoped to avoid is waiting right there for you…just like you left it. Only now you’re a tad bit broker if not a tad bit guiltier for having thought you could dodge the problem in the first place.

Far be it from me to psychologize, but anymore I’m beginning to wonder if we aren’t damaging ourselves with all these avoidance techniques. Sure, who doesn’t want to be happy, happy, happy all the time, but is this realistic? Isn’t the proper response to a hurt or a betrayal supposed to be pain? It’s not like God just gave us one mood to be in, so why do we Americans work so hard to stick with this one mood all the time?

I liken feelings to colors ~ sure we all love cheery yellows and bright reds, but how flat would life’s masterpieces be if there were no darker hues to deepen the effect?

I’ve got a friend who likens feelings to house guests. He says they’re supposed to come, then leave…that our true being lies beneath these moods, that we are merely the host…the observer. Some guests we like better than others so we let them stay longer. Others are not so fun, but even when dealing with one we don’t like, give it time. It will pass.

But as a people…as a country, have we messed with our feelings so much, that we forgot what they’re here for? Thanks to Hollywood have we bought the lie... drunk the Kool-aid? We’ve convinced ourselves that up and perky and happy is the only mood worth having and all the others need to exit stage left, and if they don’t exit on their own, well, we can run ‘em off with any of the afore mentioned techniques. Since happy’s the only one worth keeping, we panic when an unfamiliar one creeps in. We live in mortal fear it’s going to stay too long, so we race for that drink, that drug, that mindless activity to chase it away rather than processing the gift that guest was here to bring.

I’m as guilty as the next person for being rude to these unwanted house guests. No one loves the sadness that comes with betrayal or the emptiness that comes from loss. But as we age…as we start losing those we love….as we get wiser to the fact that yes, life can be hard and yes, people will let you down, perhaps the proper response to those less than desirable feelings is to invite them in…sit with them a spell. Do what country folk do when new neighbors move in. . . get to know them.

I don't know. Just a thought...