Divine Discontent

     Suffice it to say, my year has not started out as I envisioned. Matter of fact, it hardly feels like it's taken off at all...
     For the record, January 1st is my favorite of all holidays. I block it off for silence. I pile up with new planning calendars, new journals, new Sharpies and flippy charts to brainstorm my fool head off. I LOVE blank pages and lined notebooks that invite me to list everything swirling about as my crazy head attempts to capture on paper what most needs doing, or contemplated...or scratched off the list all together.
     But a funny thing happened on the way to my new year...
     Life happened.
     For starters, goat babies started coming at odd intervals. (You've got to stop when new life comes in; they can't help it that their mom's waited 5 months to deliver in the midst of holidays, snow days...whatever days.) Not all of them made it. With these I lost a day to raw grief; with the survivors I lost more days in humble gratitude. (Either way, I was losing days to goat babies...Or, viewed another way, I was living my days with a more prioritized focus. It's all in the perspective I'm learning.)
     Second, not one, not two, not three, but FOUR of my friends died...People I love...People who touched my life...Some I knew were sick, but most I had no warning. One day I'm leaving a message; next day I'm seeing a Facebook post. I know it's life. I've got no monopoly on losing people. (It happens even more often as you age.) But it seemed a sucker punch to the gut to have so many in such a short window. I finally just kept my black skirt folded across the tub for easy access. (Honest to God, it's there right now.)
     But more than anything external (deeply affecting my internal), I began to notice something else was missing: my drive. For some reason, my desire to get things done had taken a nosedive. Some days I was hard pressed to get out of bed...(It's why I keep goats and cute puppies around. Walking Prozac. No time for pity parties when there are mouths to feed, plus, nothing lifts your spirits like the innocent creatures or Roz's precious face. I had no choice but to show up.  I was just moving slower than usual and I was digging deeper in the silence of my morning routines...listening for answers...watching for clues as to what the heck was happening?
     Could this be Depression? (I didn't want to check out, I was simply indifferent...noncommittal...non-motivated.  Projects that once consumed my creative drive were now met with a wall of overwhelm, leaving me to ask "Why bother?" or "Do I really feel up for that today?"
      In talking with friends, I'm discovering I'm not alone. I've got friends battling cancer; friends who've lost jobs; friends recovering from surgery... Others (most all) voice concern for their finances, if not the economy on the whole. No. This isn't just me. I think there's something in the air and like some sort of mental flu, it's contagious. Only nobody seems to want to acknowledge the elephant in the room.
     To process it all in one fell swoop is mind boggling. It was too much to handle. No. I was forced to tackle only the things I could handle in one day and leave the rest for later. For the first time in my life I decided NOT to make a list as lists now served to depress me seeing how much of them DIDN'T get crossed off.
     Then it hit me. De javu all over again. I had been here before. A long time ago...freshly out of college. I was eager to embrace my first job in a career I had trained for...a gig I had bragged about. I moved into my first apartment...Met all new people. A lot of change, and one day: splat. I was miserable...I had miscalculated. I felt guilt for not loving what I was doing as much as I thought I would; I felt tired for working against the flow of my usually upbeat and creative life force just to keep my head above water; I felt lost.
     Thinking back on my twenties, I was reliving those very feelings (if only we could tell ourselves then what we've come to learn now) when I turned the question forward asking "What advice would your 70-something self tell your 50-something self today?"
     The answer? "Brace yourself Evins. This isn't depression. What you're feeling is CHANGE. And the odd thing about change is it packs with it, a total loss of anything familiar...(If it was familiar, it would not be change now, would it?) What I was feeling was what I've now come to call "Divine Discontent" meaning, "Something's about to give."
     If I've learned anything from life especially since moving to the country, it's that life lives you. You may THINK you're going to the store today, but if a goat's in labor or you need to wait on a vet, you can get by another day on crackers. You may THINK you're heading into the city for business talks, but if a snow storm leaves cars strewn up and down I-40, you're gonna heed those anchors who say "If you don't absolutely HAVE to be out in it, stay home!"
     Most of all, I've learned to be forgiving. I'm fairly good at it with others. (Takes too much energy to hold a grudge and I've got better uses for that energy.) But I haven't always been so forgiving with myself. But today, for the sake of my sanity, I must.  I don't have enough energy to be lost, be present AND beat myself up for not sticking to "Today's To Do's" or for breaking more than half of my resolutions one month in.
     So here's to February 1st. New month. New days ahead. New attempts to figure it out.
     One thing I know for sure...One thing I recall from my 20-something encounter with this "funk energy" ...get uncomfortable enough and smart people will stop and allow the change....invite it, even...WELCOME it. You can only walk with a pebble in your shoe for so long before it forms a blister, at which point you WILL have to stop and take off the shoe. Why not stop before the blister forms? (Surely SOME wisdom comes with age.)
     Perhaps it means what you THOUGHT you wanted to do, isn't what you are REALLY supposed to be doing...or what you intended to tackle, you're actually not even GOOD at (so get ready for another new one Evins...how 'bout this time you ask for help? Or better yet, ditch those items from the list all together.)
     Life, I'm learning, is about adjusting our sails. Were we to set out on a sailboat, headed straight to some tropical isle, it would not be one solid, locked-in-place rudder that would get me there. It would be an endless series of back-and-forth, back-and-forth moves of the rudder that would navigate me home.
     To those of you who've reached out, shared similar sensations or are feeling it too...May you take comfort in knowing you are not alone. This feeling I call "Divine Discontent" begins in a space that doesn't feel quite right anymore...Maybe you've outgrown it. Or maybe what you were doing was training you for something yet to come. Either way, the fact that it forces you to dig deeper to find out what does bring that bliss thing back around, I'm all for digging.

Wake Up Calls

           Don’t have time to re-watch the movie, but I’m pretty certain it was about day 215 when that Julie girl, blogging along to her Julia Child cookbook, had her meltdown. And while no one holds blogs to the same journalistic standards required of professionals, the journalist in me takes quite seriously the need to be fair and balanced as my little garden story unfolds. To those admiring cute goats and ambitious gardens as well as those concerned for my health in general for having taken on too much, well, you are right to have spotted it: there is a disconnect. I want to paint as honest a picture as I can and what I am now about to paint, is not pretty.

            The good and quippy news: Mystery of the Itchy Palm is solved!

            The bad news: Sometimes it takes a wake up call to make you rethink your strategy all together.

            A week ago I blithely blogged about my itchy nose and palms, quipping that company must be coming and money close behind. Meanwhile, the itch in my palms now goes round my wrist and moves halfway up my arm making it time to quit speaking in wives’ tales and get myself to a doctor.

After reaching out to an ivy-resistant neighbor to ask if he might remove what I thought was more poison ivy growing up my front porch, we too soon discovered that it was not poison ivy. Ruling out one more culprit while googling pictures of faceless, nameless limbs with rashes by which to compare this odd occurrence, it suddenly hit me.

The pain I was feeling I’d lived before, last encountered the summer of my junior year in high school. With parents newly divorced, juggling summer jobs and college applications, (while dating a guy my dad was less than thrilled about) …I was, in my silent in-between times, generally sad for everyone around me who seemed to be in some sort of pain ... for the family I could not keep together even if it wasn't my job to. It was stress born of the inability to control anything, (where most of our stresses come from) the internalization of which netted me the worst case of shingles, known to girl.

I recall that stress vividly. And while today’s stress does not compare, (after all what’s not to love about a bountiful garden, adorable goats, unconditionally loving dogs and a life I am living with intention, not to mention how blessed I feel to get to do what I love for a living, namely, writing)…I can  honestly say, I cannot imagine a better life. (Granted, I would like to imagine living it a little more gently.)

“Overwhelm” is a word that keeps creeping into my vocab these days…in my self talk, in my writing, my blogs. I know better, but for some reason calling it “overwhelm” has me believing that I, myself, will one day flip this capsized boat of mine and go sailing smoothly across the lake of life. I spend a lot of time visualizing “Someday I’sle”  …But when wake up calls hit you like this has, it just might be time to release the oars and consider doing things another way.

It dawned on me on my way to the doctor that I’m 3 for 3 with August and hospital visits. Year one I got bitten by a brown recluse, and because I waited 2 full days before confirming it, I got to go through not one, but TWO methylprednisone packs…the likes of which threw my body into a zone I didn’t know humanly possible. (I now know why baseball players risk their careers to get this stuff.) In addition to insomnia, the other side effect for steroids is constant hunger. I gained 10 pounds in 10 days. Fortunately, once the steroids left, so did the cravings, but for 10 (22 hour) days it was all I could eat, all the time, wreaking havoc on my body.

Last August landed me again in the ER (again with a take home prescription for steroids). Little did I know when I agreed to judge a pie contest at the county fair that 37 bites of 37 pies (with a pickle in between to cleanse your pie-lacquered palette) could shoot your Crohns right out of remission. (Ladies please don't take it personally. I’d gone so long without the ulcerative symptoms of my 20s I forgot I had a weak gene, but I was reminded all too swiftly within two days of coming home from the fair when I landed in not one, but two different emergency rooms in a 4 day stint.)

Year three and here I am again—this time it’s shingles. Pretty amazing how a body in pain can grab your attention. At points like these you have no choice but to take your wake up call seriously; I slow down now to reflect on just what it is I’m doing wrong (save for trying to do it all by myself).

Truth be told, I love the process…even more than the end game, I absolutely love working and all the rote and routine details that go therewith. While most keep their eye on the prize, I keep my eye on the moment, which, as I’ve confessed before, can find me losing myself in a sink full of dishes turning into a newly cleaned fridge, or the cleanest goat bowls this side of the Mississippi. While I adore every phase of the garden process from the planting, the tilling (I especially love the tilling), the weeding and nurturing…That my plants come out healthy is a nice side effect; what I love is the process itself…watching the miracle of life play out before my eyes. But once everything starts to ripen (and sadly, it all comes in at once) well you’ve got precious little time in which to pull it, pick it, pickle it, freeze it…make massive amounts of food go into tiny little containers (all done in a tiny little kitchen by one fairly tiny girl). Nope. My management plan for the harvest is sorely lacking and I’m sad to say, it’s all my fault. (Of course, adding guilt on top of exhaustion pretty much guarantees your body’s gonna fight back, if for no other reason than to beg you get it drugs to prop up on or ERs to slow down by.)

Sure friends come and help, but given the heat and the downright work of the matter, the farm part’s usually more social than serious…what gets picked is usually enough for the meal we will share and all the veggies I can cram into your car before you go. (Like Jesus with the loaves and fishes, things just keep multiplying, and multiplying...and multiplying.)

Let the record reflect, I am seriously in love with farm life. Recently my mother reached out to ask if I had any regrets...Maybe I wanted to reconsider things…Perhaps I’d bitten off more than I could chew…Maybe talk radio needs another co-host.  A paper, another columnist. It’s not that I hadn’t pondered that…But truth is I love all I’m learning. I love stopping to write about what I’m learning. I love the whole life cycle proposition, only my cycle is a bit outta kilter. What’s more, my cycle is a unicycle, and well…as I’ve written on more than one occasion: farming is not a solo sport. To do it right, it takes a village.

It’s a notion I’m pondering more and more seriously these days. I watch a world of people, racing to offices, dealing in road rage, dreading their bosses, hating their jobs and I think “How blessed am I…My boss is a herd of goats and some plants that love growing for me.” (It is about this time that I seriously ask God to forgive me for sounding so whiney. I don’t want to give this up, so much as I want to figure it out. As I see it, for me anyway, I have two choices…I go back to the city; resume a day job. Make money the way I know how so as to pay to have farm hands come help …

OR

I create a village. Find others who share in the dream. They are out there. I hear from them increasingly…from friends out of the blue, to FB links directing me to others doing the same. There is something in the air for this notion of sustainable living…Not sure if our cultural subconscious is picking up on something (like those elephants that sensed the tsunami coming and headed inland long before the weather forecasters predicted) …or if we’re all growing suspicious of Washington politicians that are nothing like us, leading us into mounting debt, thus debilitating our spirit, all while we are left to process our stress and frustration in whatever ways we might (and often in ways that aren’t good for us).  If there is but on take away in all this, it's that farming is no hobby. It’s a serious commitment with serious deadlines … and like any serious business, you need a working plan in place. (My biggest mistake is I entered it while already working another full time plan –writing cookbooks—only I didn’t factor just how full time a farm and garden is. My admiration grows by the minute for the Thurmans of the world.)

For me…a girl rather addicted to work in the first place, I literally delight in the process even more than the end game (which is why I have so much overgrown okra lying on the ground turning to seed. I grew so much I couldn’t pick it fast enough.) What’s at issue is: what matters most, followed by “What am I going to do about it?”

They’re called “wake up calls”…Those breaking points in life where you can’t dodge the obvious anymore…It’s that point where something stops you in your tracks (your own health, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, a crisis or a life drama that forces you to stop, unplug and take a serious inventory of your life while going deep within to discover just what pea it is that lies beneath all those mattress layers you’ve been padding with)…

In the same way it hit me when my bankrupt friend spoke of  surrender and the peace that immediately followed…these wake up calls, most often come as the result of something so shocking to our system we have no choice but to listen. It must, in order to grab our attention once and for all, bolt us out of our self-induced haze in order to affect change. I can’t say I’m surprised entirely; I try to ignore it…fill it up with more work, but deep down I have known something had to give. But it occurs to me I’ve been hoping my wake up call would come much like my morning alarm. (Rather than a loud honking noise that jolts, I have a dainty little Disney clock, that wakes me to a music box version of “It’s a Small World” or “Chim-Chim-Cheree” ~ Why God? Why couldn’t you give me THAT kind of wake up call? Preferably with a snooze button attached.)

At this, God laughs. After all, what’s the point of a wake up call if not to snap you out of whatever it is you’re numbly, blindly not paying attention to.

As for me, it’s not that I hadn’t noticed. Nope. It’s hard to miss the messy kitchen and the growing mulch pile of compost for trying to salvage on the second round what I missed on the first. As I reread morning pages from days and weeks past it was all I could do not to tear up when I realized how much of my day I live in guilt, simply for having bitten off more than I can chew, then feeling bad for having wasted anything like food or time or _______ (fill in the blank…I’ve got an endless stream of things for which the residual emotion is guilt…Being late for goat feedings, watching a pup endure a surgery and not wanting to leave his/her side for something like work…Count ‘em up. I’ve got a million of ‘em….I suspect we all do.)

Bottom line: it’s time for a change. It’s time to admit, I need help. It’s time to surrender to those things I cannot change, while changing the ones I can. It’s time for a serious soul search to ask myself, “What’s it gonna be?”

Right now, I do not have that answer; all I have is one very poignant question…(and one very itchy arm.) But this much I know…There is a state that precedes these wake up calls…A warning if you will…Usually several. You can recognize this state by one simple warning sign, and that sign is: discontent. I like to call it “divine discontent” for if we heed it, pay attention to it, stop and admit THE SECOND WE FEEL IT that “Hey. Something’s not right here. There’s a rock in my shoe, and it’s uncomfortable.” Because of our crunch on time, most of us will walk on that rock for a bit…usually long enough to form a callous. But when that callous becomes infected and serious attention is needed, well that’s when your wake up call hits home.

For me, the solution lies is recognizing these pebbles early on…before more serious damage is done. But this requires a sensitivity to pebbles that doesn’t have us saying, “Well, if I just stay busy enough, go shop some more, drink some more, watch mindless TV some more…maybe it will go away...Heck, I almost forgot it was there...” But I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t go away. The only thing that makes pebbles go away is stopping to address the discomfort, unlace the shoe…shake out the rock. This is not a “Take 2 aspirin and call me in the morning” kinda proposition. This is a life habit one must learn to cultivate. In this day and age and particularly in this culture, it does not come naturally. And just because I’ve got others who can relate, well that’s no excuse for me to keep ignoring the obvious…

And so I shall not. For me, it’s time to redirect, regroup…come up with a new plan…A better way that not only brings relief to my in my little world of one, but brings perhaps new ideas and alternatives for others, for I hate to say it, but I take too much comfort in thinking I’m not alone on this one…Just because others are feeling it too, doesn’t mean I should keep walking on a rock.

I enter this week on a much more somber note.

Here’s trusting he meant what he said about knocking…seeking…asking.

Ok God. You got my attention.

I’m listening.