This Thing Called Prayer

“I’m praying for you…”

What exactly does that mean?

I’m praying you will (fill in the blank) _________ recover from this ordeal? I’m praying you walk again? I’m praying you flat out live... Isn’t that how we pray? Isn’t that what prayer’s about? A request to the big guy to grant our own personal, limited view of the bigger picture?

One of the toughest conversations of my life came when a friend of mine lost her teenage daughter in a car accident. Depressed and reclusive for the year that followed, two Christmases later I received  a card. She wanted to talk… “You believe in God. You do that metaphysical show… What did I do wrong ?” she asked (as if I held such answers).

When we got together she painfully relived the worst day of her life…detailing the call no parent ever wants to receive….The call that starts out, “There’s been an accident…” and is followed by a bunch of garbled-y-gook… then ends with words like “Lifeflight" and "Vanderbilt” ~

She described the frenzied race...the speeding down the interstate to get there, get there, GET THERE ...the entire drive one big long prayer to please, please, please, please, PLEASE Oh God...let my daughter live!!

But her daughter didn’t live. My friend was too late. By the time she arrived, her daughter had passed. The doctors did all they could do, but that wasn’t enough.

After a year of blinding depression, her question now was “What did I do wrong?” Followed by “What should I have done differently?”

Would it have mattered if, instead of racing to get there, I’d made 10 calls and asked each of them to make 10 calls…(Does quantity matter?)

Would it have changed things if I’d called my preacher first? (Does the quality of the one praying matter?)

In short, it’s what we as humans do, when we as humans can't alter the outcome, right? We beg God to do it for us. We call in the favors. Isn't that what prayer is all about?

My understanding of prayer is ever evolving … As a child, I prayed like a child, which at the time, involved a lot of rhymes (or attempts at) “God is great…God is good…"  got us through meals ….“Before I wake” and “Soul to take”  got us through the night.

Later, my prayers were basically selfish wish lists… “Dear God, let me make cheerleader…” or “Dear God, I pray I get in...this play...this program...this university.”

With time my prayers became more sophisticated, but they were still rather self serving… “Bless this relationship (usually after a bunch of prayers like “Dear God, let him call”) or “Dear God, please help me not hate this new program director so much...”

I'd like to think some made God laugh; no doubt, there was perhaps some psychological benefit as at least I acknowledged my imperfections, but end of day my prayers were still pretty much me asking someone out there—to fix or make better something, down here.

Granted, it’s habit, hardwired into me after years and years of doing it wrong, but for the most part, I don’t pray like that anymore. Today I approach prayer differently…Prayer is no longer my universal wish list for the world to do things my way, so much as it is a meditative approach to calm my monkey brain while aligning myself to THE Source of all things good in hopes of being better equipped for whatever does wind up happening.

Additionally, prayer is my own centering effort that (when done right) has been known to bring comfort in those times when I have absolutely no control in the matter (which is pretty much all the time if we get right down to it).

Case in point… Two nights ago, in a pocket of extreme “no control in the matter” I not only prayed for my friend who’d slipped into a coma… I reached out on Facebook and asked friends and total strangers to do the same…

For the next two days I watched the count tick upwards of 200, I opened emoticons, I fed off the energy that those short little phrases packed and I DID find comfort…I found great comfort in knowing others cared. That others were with me in thought packed a whale of a punch...That one simple request could net such an outpouring of love was the ultimate prayer benefit if you ask me, after all that outpouring was real…I felt it physically and I pray my friend and his wife did as well.

But last night, my friend passed away anyway…Removing the tubes that had kept lungs pumping, his exhausted body gave way and his spirit soared. (This I believe with all my heart.)

Had I prayed for this? Was this the prayer of my Facebook friends? (I sincerely doubt it.) No. My selfish prayer was for him to stick around…Suffer through if you must. Stay with us Rick. Stay with us! Though I had tossed one in requesting “Whatever happens God, give us the strength and wisdom to deal…” I had not held this as the ultimate picture I was hoping for. Nope. My prayer at its core, was still a selfish one...and I'm sad to say, it is again today.

Today I find myself praying for comfort…my own, yes, but all the others who are missing him too...for his wife, and for those who are sad for his wife...Everyone who'll miss his smiling face. Some might even be praying to understand why (after all, my friend was a young guy…his gifts to this planet, enormous. If you’re gonna take someone God, why not take a deadbeat who drains the system?)

But the fact that my friend is gone, and I awake to news of plenty of deadbeats that made it through the night tells me I clearly don’t grasp the ultimate meaning of what prayer is truly all about.

So today, I’ll practice praying some more…I’ll dig a little deeper…I’ll pray for wisdom to accept the things I cannot change…I’ll pray to be there for the others who, like me, are mourning the loss…

And we’ll pray that maybe, just maybe, we start living as if we really believe this stuff we claim to believe…that life beyond this one is so much greater and that the real prize is getting there and that any of our requests to the contrary come from our very narrow, very limited understanding of the bigger picture…And I’ll pray that maybe, just maybe my prayers will evolve…that instead of praying for petty things like a parking space or my team to win or the phone to ring or that job to come through or…or…or…Maybe I pray to get it right it right next time.

Dear God, today I pray that you help me understand more fully, this thing called prayer. Send a refresher course…Send a user’s manual. Give us all a better, more thorough understanding of what Jesus left us as the ultimate prayer example, as I’m still not convinced we’re getting it right.

And I pray a prayer of thanks…For having known this soul in the first place…For having questioned life and having lived life a little deeper because of these past few days…And I pray a prayer of thanks for what I’m told is a most exciting journey ever ... a journey my friend is experiencing this very minute!

I don't know much, but this I do know…

If praying for a friend (and recruiting others to do the same) nets me a friend who is today resting in peace, then I might want to backtrack and recall just what it is I was truly praying for in the first place.  Cause last I checked, God wasn’t out there for spite…taking sincere prayer requests and delivering a 180 opposite just for kicks.

No. If anyone doesn’t grasp the true meaning and purpose of prayer, it has to be me, so may my prayer going forward be one of asking to better understand (so as to better utilize) this gift we were given, that we perhaps  too often take for granted...This gift we know as prayer.

For Those of You Praying...

   

Candles lit. Prayers welcome.
Here's praying for my sweet brother, Ed.

     First and foremost-Thank you. Prayer itself...thoughts of prayers...casual mentions of "we'll keep you in our prayers" ....they matter. And they matter especially much in trying times such as those we are living through today...

     I am a big believer in prayer, so yes, if you are the praying type...if you have prayer groups, prayer lists, prayer circles ...add us to them. We're told it only takes 2 or more, so group up! My sincerest, heartfelt thanks to you personally for praying for my brother and our family at this time, but go ahead and include your own family along with the bigger issues in life while you're in the zone...(May these things serve to heal us all~)

     I post this blog (first in awhile and at a time that is more busy than usual given the circumstances) because I want to be VERY clear. Those prayer partners who know me spiritually, know what I'm about to say. Those who know me casually, might want to take note, if for no other reason than to be on the same page when referencing this word "prayer".Those who knew me professionally, know I've long held a fascination with words and phrases and am a stickler for detail and nuance in discovering origins and meaning behind things we say (often too flippantly) ...So please allow me to be very clear on what it means when someone says "I'll pray for you"

Let me tell you about my morning...

     My day began as it has for the last several...with a lengthy list of backed up texts and voice messages that I either could not get to yesterday or that came in overnight. (When I sleep or write, I turn ringers off, often at the frustration of others who use their mechanical devices in different ways. To me, phones are there for us; not the other way around.  I don't work for them, but here of late, it's been a debate, but I digress...I'll save my "cell phone etiquette" post for another day. Today, there are things of greater concern going on in my head and heart...)

      For those who don't know, my brother (my one and only sibling whom I adore) was in a tragic automobile accident over the weekend and today is recovering from a broken neck... (while severely damaged, his spinal column was not severed so the prognosis is good. We simply have a long journey ahead. Actually, there's nothing simple about it. Let me rephrase: it's going to be a journey.)

     Of my many messages this morning came one from a precious neighbor, asking about my brother...asking about me.... but tagging his text with
                                             "I worry a lot. Sorry that's just me." 
(For the record, you never know when I'm going to take something so precious and gracious as an innocently sweet text to make a point (much less a blog) but because it hit a nerve of an ongoing debate I had with my father almost until his dying day, my poor neighbor got a lengthy text back, expressing to him why his prayers I would welcome...but his worry I would not.)

     For starters, worry, by definition, nets you adjectives like unease, unrest, troubles, anxiety (and that's just the first line in Webster). "Worry" says to me you are pondering the worse case scenario and giving precious mental energy to the darker, drearier outcome. If you were pondering the best case scenario, you would not be worried. You'd be thankful. (As we are.) You'd be hopeful. (As we are.) You'd be seeing the lay of the landscape as I do, which is to say bright and hopeful, perfect and peaceful ...LIFE ~ appreciated in a brand new light like never before.

     So please: drop the worry. I refuse to go there with you. I will not meet you there...not even halfway.

     Worry suggests (even if you tell me you're praying) ...you're not believing what you're praying, but rather than you are holding a mental picture of some worse case scenario that you perceive as our end game...which is to say your mental picture outweighs anything hopeful you say you are praying for/ believing in...hoping to convince me of. (You tell me you're worried, I'll tell you quit praying until you can fix your attitude...you're not convincing anybody...certainly not me...most of all, yourself.)

     With all loving respect, my response to this MOST precious MOST appreciated neighbor of mine, went something like this:

      Thank you for caring and I know you do... And my family welcomes all prayers. (Alert your church groups, your family...anybody you know well enough to pray with, we'll take it, b u t ... (my text continued)

                                                  "ix-nay on that worried part"

     Specifically, I wrote:

     As a favor to me, I simply ask ~ please... No worry!

     Not to split hairs here, but worry tells me you are thinking the worst possible outcome and are giving thought to what might happen if it comes to pass..."Concern" tells me you care, and I know you do ... So if you want to use a word, go with concern, but never worry.

     If you truly want to help me (as in physically, mentally, tangibly Doing something FOR me, as I know you do (and often have)  ...please ponder the distinction...That's what you can do to help me today.  Think on these things... That is my sole (soul's) request of you this very day...

     (My text continued...)

     My dad and I had this conversation often. He, like you, identified himself as a worrier, no doubt thinking it a noble and loving thing to do for someone you love.
     As a sensitive person who picks up on these nuances, I picked up on these things: HIS worry only made matters worse, making ME have to work that much harder.  When Dad said he was worried (whatever the reason de jure), I then had TWO tasks before me: 1) to tourniquet the worry part/stop the spurting spiral of bleeding energy before 2) re-living the emotional of whatever had happened leaving us to be reaching for prayers in the first place....In other words, whatever he was then or (you are today) worrying about, that takes additional energy to process. It takes effort to combat it.  I don't have reserve energy for that. Just simplify it for me and skip past the worry, ok?

     As a matter of my own personal faith and my years of studying both the meaning of and the purpose for prayer, this has become a key issue in my life so once more, I implored:

     Please work on this... for my sake and my brother's ...for your kids's sake ... but most of all for YOU!

     I concluded (my lengthy albeit heartfelt text) with...

     All this said ... not to scold, but to tell you how it hits me to think something happening in my life sent a sweet and caring person such as yourself into a spiral of worry-dom and anxiety-ridden energy, (which I, in turn, must use my much needed reserves for to counter as I brace for both to combat and defend against your (unnecessary) worry ....All before reliving the emotional energy it takes to retell the story in order to express where things stand at present...

     Here is the news you seek: 

     My brother is expected to have a full recovery. Doctors say it. Surgeons say it. We are knowing it. "Expected" is the operative word...No one's pulling any punches here; he has a long and trying road ahead and our family DOES welcome all prayers, but please...If you're going to pray...DO NOT DO SO from a state of worry, but rather from a state of faith. Take a walk. Clear your mind...Just please...come at it fresh....
     You cannot live/experience/vibrate in both the level of faith and the level of worry at the same time; they are two entirely different vibrational frequencies... Just as stressing over a problem is nothing compared to the feel of that HUGE sigh of relief  when a problem is resolved,  so too is the vast difference in vibrational frequencies between worry and faith.   I pray you get what I'm talking about here. I pray you know/have felt/can spot the difference...Seems small perhaps, but it is HUGE.

     If you are worried...I beg you...save your praying until you can pray in the affirmative.

     As for me, I am not worried. I am knowing my brother can and IS fully recovering. I know my brother. I also know my God.

     Again, not to sugar coat it, he has some trying days ahead... his tragic ordeal has been a wake-up call to us all...

     As I see his sweet face, looking up from a neck brace, tubes and wires all I can think is

     May we never take for granted again something so simple as lifting a fork to our mouths or walking from one room to another...These things he must learn all over again, but his spirits are high and his resolve clear. And I'll be damned if I let worry show up on my face as I love him through it. 

     So please...if you want to help me...work hard on removing your own worries first. 

     I pray you know how sincerely/honestly/truly we appreciate this outpouring of love...I thank you for asking about him...I thank you for caring about me and our family.  I know where your heart is and I am grateful for your kind and tender heart...(Now but to engage our minds in the proper space and feel before launching into our prayers.)



My sweet little neighbor replied:

                          Thank you. I will try not to worry and just pray. 
                                                                  Glad he's going to pull through.

My reply:
                          THAT's the Spirit!   Thank you!   Now Pray Away !

      (Pray early and often and fervently and silently, in your closet... in your car or in any other space or place or way you choose to go about it... My family is deeply grateful.  I am personally,  deeply moved.)