I am so sad this morning I can hardly see straight. (I am in pajamas as I type.) This church of a house that I live in, is somber and quiet. Even the dogs look dismayed (though I'm sure that's just them picking up on me, cause let's face it...that's what dogs do, but I digress...)
By design I opted to take a knee on this one...Give it a day of silence. Give my emotions a day of rest.
I am sad to admit that these hearings hit me like a line of crack (Do they do crack in lines? Maybe that was not a good analogy, but you know what I was shooting for...) My point is, for all the discipline of coming off mic and moving back to the country, learning, laughing and dancing with the moods of Mother Nature, getting my hands in the dirt while surrounding myself with funny-faced goats and huggable furry dogs, it only took one election cycle to lure me back in and and remind me all over again why I used to answer the question: Do you miss your former political days with a simple: Miss the players, not the anger. (The anger bugged me then. It's off the charts now. I would not do well to be swimming in those waters ever again....again ...digress)
I think I have the emotion right. (Sad comes with tears, right?) I decided before this day to do myself a favor and simply keep the TV off. Turns out, with nothing to distract, things bubbled up, and what bubbled up from deep inside of me was a bunch of pure, raw... sad.
I am sad for the state of our nation...Sad for the leader we've chosen...Sad that in the end, our final option was a "lesser of evils" kinda option.
I am sad for the state of the world right now...Sad for what others must think of us. Much as I work on not giving a rip what anyone else thinks because I'm told what other people think should be none of my business, well guess what? I'm not that advanced yet. I still care. Whadayaknow? ..Here it is ~ Showing up as sad.
I am sad other countries don't respect us (Don't get me wrong. I'm sure they fear us, as anything could go wrong with insanity in charge, but that's not the same as respect. Fear is a short term fix to a long term problem and we can't just keep playing the "Fear us" card in hopes it will eventually become respect.
Most of all I'm sad for what this is doing to our lives...in our homes...between our families, our working peers, our friends. I am sad this thing has divided us as it has and I'm frustrated as to how best to cope. (I think a shrink would say I should deal with my sad first....and hey, at least sad beats anger. But lucky for anger, I'm too tired to deal in anger, plus I don't want to add any more pain than is already out there. Anger makes me want to take it out on someone else. Sad just leaves it stuck here with me to figure out. This is exhausting.)
For what it's worth I am not a big protester kind of person. I like being FOR things. I've heard it said that Mother Teresa was once asked to attend an anti war protest and she politely declined, adding "Now if you made it a peace rally, I'd be there." (I don't have sourcing on this, but it sounds like something Mother Teresa would say.) That said, my heart is with my female friends who today are marching...both in Nashville and in Washington (and I suppose in cities all across the country) in peaceful protest. They represent me and my heart is with them. I am appalled at some of the things we've so blithely let slide when it comes to the crass and crude comments (not to mention behaviors) of our soon to be commander-in-chief and I cringed like nobody's business when I heard one of THE crudest lines to have ever been uttered when it came to blood and Megyn Kelly, after all Megyn is holding the kind of job I used to have (only LOADS bigger). Those of us IN those jobs look up to women like her and respect the heck out of a woman who worked and MADE it to that level of success. That was not funny to me. That one made me sad AND angry. Most of all it made me embarrassed.
But to be clear, this is not about my political views or any one specific opinion of what it'll take to best run this great country of ours (Don't get me wrong; I have many thoughts on this. But this blog is not about that.) And it is certainly not about me trying to persuade anyone to see things from my side and change who they are. (Although I will say say most folks who think they know me would be surprised at how many views I share when it comes to keeping government to a minimum and I'm hoping like heck this president can at least get that part right as I sincerely believe he does know how to negotiate. I also believe that's why he won and believe it or not, I want these things too...I really do. But it's the integrity of it all (or the lack thereof) that makes me sad. It's the lowering of the standard that has me hurting.
I hurt to see Melania who didn't ask to be here and (as I observe it) is trying to protect her child, who (no one is saying, but is probably autistic) ....who likewise didn't want to be here...I hurt to think of a family, rich though they be are as dysfunctional as a family can be. (Take the rich part out and they probably DO represent a bunch of American modern families, so maybe we can relate to the dysfunctional parts, still and so, those parts too made me cringe before it all got elevated. )
It makes me sad to think we are probably going to witness our first divorce in the White House. (I can't help but study things like body language, like no rings and forced hand-holdings. I can't help it. I'm a girl.) I am sad for the hearings that are something between a brag-a-thon and attack-a-thon....And I am sadder yet that all these people with that level of IQ (as Trump has repeatedly bragged) would not anticipate for themselves why certain conflicts of interest might look sketchy before a panel, much less a public. (They weren't ALL in this category let me be quick to say, but those who were, offended me that they did not so much as think they'd be asked the questions.)
In the end, I guess I am most sad about the distance that is happening between us as the American people. Clearly the "haves" live in a different world view. The have-nots, voted them in out of protest. I am somewhere in the middle I guess, as is most of middle class America (and dang grateful to be given what I see in Aleppo and other war-torn countries). But I can't just hide my feelings under a rug right now because it is politically incorrect to speak out.
All I can do is say "I'm sad....And these are the reasons why." And then sit with it...all day...distractions and temptations aside. All I can say is "I am sad."
As a post script to this I would like to share what a dear shrink friend of mine once taught me (I call him a shrink-friend because he was a highly sought after shrink and he was likewise my friend. I would just say "He's my shrink" but I never paid him, save for a sandwich or two, so "shrink-friend" is our agreed upon title.) He taught me that emotions are like house guests that enter our minds... Some we like better than others. Others stay longer than we'd like. But not to worry...They'll eventually leave.
So as I sit here with my mind-guest named Sad, wishing to heck she'd move on already, I take slightly small comfort in knowing she's not a live-in roommate...nor a partner of some kind.
Guess the best I can do is pour her some tea...allow her (and me) the tears...And wait till she needs to pee all the while hoping she'll go home soon.