Lest this come across as trite, it was anything but...And while I can look back on it now and say "Thank God I dodged a bullet" in truth, I DO thank God, not simply for sparing my life (for it is my belief that life continues with or without a body), but for once again, lending that all too important ingredient of "perspective" that I think all of us secretly, sorely long for...
(To my friend who reads my blog, you've already read this once, so skip ahead...Tomorrow's a new day.)
(*I am presently reading and re-reading the Gospel of Mary; a book voted out of the Bible by no doubt, well-intentioned men. If anyone had a friend in Jesus, it was this woman, thus her perspective is to me, worthy of intense study...how she dealt with his bodily departure from this planet, much less the pain and anguish she witnessed, is worthy of many a dissertation. AJ be warned.)Dearest ___,Been meaning to sit down and write for awhile, but as with our phone calls, so go our missives. (Some people you don't just "jot a note" to...right?)For the past 3 days I've been in the hospital. How I got there is a story unto itself, but like Mary*, I got a good dose of silence. Several times tonight I've awakened, to see the moon through my stain glass window and I start thanking God all over again, thinking "I'm HOME! Thank you God, I'm HOME!" I hear Minsky snoring next to me. I can walk down steps and throw myself on my big white Rosey dog...I don't think I was taking any of this for granted before, but they certainly take on all new depths of meaning now.
The (hospital) stay itself wasn't bad. Because of the snow it was unusually quiet; when I checked myself in (at my dr's advice--go straight to ER), I was the only one there. I got in rather quickly. The techs and even administrators were peaceful (hoping to go home early I'm sure; I got there just before it all hit). My only bobble (to this point anyway) was with the CAT scan. I've never been one to get claustrophobic, but this time I did...Had more to do with the dyes they ran through my veins than anything. I nearly threw up and it triggered a panic attack, but once out (as they're looking at me like: "Go easy with the crazy girl") all was ok. I really do have such a tremendous respect for what those people have to do everyday.Much as I begged "Please don't admit me. Check me out. Send me home. I've got a Jeep. I can drive through the snow and be back at the dr's office first thing tomorrow, after all, he's not gonna have time for me today anyway" Just make sure I'm not about to die or anything, then we can plan a scope tomorrow...But they said uh-uh. No way.I had lost way too much blood (which is what sent me there in the first place). They slapped that little band on my arm so fast it made my head swim. And then they slapped a second one to start cross checking blood types and donor bases.I just kept thinking "But I'm not in pain...How serious could this be?" Turns out that non-pain thing... BIG gift. But it has precious little to do with the overall of if you're going or staying on the planet. Matter of fact, it can be downright misleading.Bottom line, I've been asking God for more depth, more meaning...to understand at all new levels the reasons for the lessons and the overall of this thing called life...Well, times like these sharpen your focus quicker than anything. Not that any of us sit around asking for painful lessons, but once in them, better yet through them...on the other side of them (be it this side or that) there's depth alright... Gives life a whole new meaning.Even as I write, I stop to love on Minsky. I smile as Boo swooshes his tail around his bowl. I set my water glass down and throw my body on top of Rosey...These tiny things ...They are me. They are my life. Not the life everyone sees (save for the occasional blog reference). But I do these things 1000 times a day. May I never take a single time for granted...ever. Never again.Furthermore, you know what kept me sane while IN the hospital? The fact that I had, just a few short weeks ago, sold a bit of gold and set the money aside for a farm hand to come a day or two a week. (OK. Let me back up...GOD kept me sane, but here's what God did for my monkey brain that helped)...Much as it PAINED me to think about my critters back home (AND during a blizzard, no less) I knew One person knew what to do...and WOULD!Same person drove me TO the hospital. (I know. I have many who would; heck, I could've driven myself. I wasn't in pain. I was just low on blood.) But that same person was on hand, AND that same person kept saying "Don't worry. Got it covered. Don't worry." And because I knew he KNEW all my routines with the animals (when I feed them, what they like, be sure and count before closing them in at night) I was afforded a lot more peace.It's the book I've been saying I was going to write...Well, consider it started.Single folks in particular (though ALL folks really...for there are a lot of couples out there who are singles simply cohabiting...otherwise, total strangers) ...We need to know there's someone who could run our gauntlet....do our chores...Make sure our library books get returned...That sort of thing.More on this later...Right now, my heart is so full of gratitude for being home...for my doctor...for Mary, my nurse...for my little goats who jumped on my back when I knelt down to hug them...for my helper who came for me before I even called...There's a long, long list. You're on it too~big time.As with my garden, so with my life...What am I learning that might benefit others ? If it saves time, adds insight, offers help...Go fish. Any card from my hand, I'm game for sharing...I share all this simply to say there's more behind the smile than most will ever know. Honestly, as I watched them put (what they called) the Michael Jackson drug into my veins, I knew "whatever happens after this is going to change my life forever." I'm sorry to say, I imagined that would be a fatal diagnosis. (Honestly, for the amount of blood I'd flushed down my toilet, I didn't see how it could be anything but...I'm ashamed of how poor my faith was in that moment. The good news is, I didn't care about me so much as I worried for my critters.)When I came to, the doctor asked, "Is anyone with you?" I asked "Why?" He said, because you're groggy and most folks usually have someone to take notes. I said "I'll take my own notes. I'm awake." (Thinking to myself, if it's bad, I don't want anyone knowing anyway. My mother will shudder to read this, but honestly, she was the last person I wanted or needed worrying.) Not to say it's not serious, but it wasn't cancer (oddly, that's the only thought you're thinking at a time like this) ...He explained the blockage...What had probably happened....At that point I heard precious little more and will take more notes when I go back in another week....My mind was too wrapped around ThankYouGodThankYouGodThankYouGodThankYouGod.... The rest was like that Farside cartoon of what dogs hear ..."BlahblahblahGINGER!" (Priceless timing...Literally as I type this, Minka's chasing a bunny in her dreams~ I stop to pet her and her whimpers turn to deep snores :) How precious is that?) About as precious as me being home writing my dear friend to say Let's talk through our plans...Not in morbid ways, but in everyday, "The cat loves it when I do this" ways....These physical bodies aren't the answer...The Spirit that rushes through them...that animates them...THAT's the answer...Mine blew a gasket this week (my body, that is)...A serious hole we're working to patch. But the fact that it appears (from this vantage point anyway) as something "patchable" speaks to me. It says, "Don't take this for granted. Take it as a sign that whatever it is you THINK you are here to do, get busy girl! DO IT. Snip! Snip! Time's a-wastin' ~)Meanwhile, my waking thought isThank you God for sparing me the drama...
(Thank you God for sparing me period.)
Thank you God for adding yet more meaning
Thank you God for a new pass at another day
Thank you God for gentle reminders to get going with ideas on the sidelines
Thank you God for souls like this one to share such thoughts with.Love you dearly~Talk soon/See you soon~
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