When There's Nothing Left To Do -- Be

     Woke up to rain on a tin roof (which makes you not want to wake up at all). Since the goats hate mud and they got extra hay last night, I decide to give more time to silence and morning meditation as I begin to think of those in my life who are struggling and suffering from the pain of recent loss.
     I listen to a talk, forwarded from a friend...spoken by a minister who, a few months back, lost the love of his life. In this talk, this gentle soul of a man, still working through his pain so vulnerably  and openly, describes his situation in terms of the crucifixion in need of a resurrection. Watching, waiting on...and LONGING to change the outcome of a story tied to a person you love whose days are numbered IS a crucifixion...It's sheer torture...an agonizing death unto itself, followed by days, weeks, maybe months, of pure, raw "empty" ... "I'm still in the tomb" he tells a close friend when asked, "How you doing?"  He describes what I'm witnessing now ...A Greek tragedy that started with refusal to accept the inevitable...(which is our very nature)...It is in the wiring of earthly bodies, this tendency to survive...to "beat this thing" ....to fight till the death until finally, almost mercifully, death takes over, leaving us no choice but to succumb.
     I've written more in the past few weeks of exhaustion than I ever have in my life, for in truth, my last few had more than their fair share of exhaustion, but not for reasons you would think...I've come to know that it's one thing to put in a long day's work on garden or farm, but that is nothing compared to excruciatingly exhaustive mental torture of watching people you love in pain. But as I reflect on my own dance with exhaustion...when I think of suffering, I have to stop and ask, "What specifically is made me tired?  After all, I was not the one enduring the illness. I was not even the primary caretaker. I was merely a witness. But you know what I've discovered? My big "Aha"? I made myself tired for wanting to DO something, when what was called for most (and is being called for now) is that I BE.
     I remember the last night we saw our friend...Weakened from the chemo, down to skin and bones, and yet even in her physical weakness, she glowed...She carried that same sweet spirit she was known for right down to the end...She reached to take my hand and in a whisper said, "You came!" (We would've all come sooner, but her caretakers and doctors had the unenviable task of limiting the visits, and we understood that.) "Of course I came!" I smiled to see her smiling face... "You have all those dogs ...and you came..." and we laughed through our tears as only a fellow dog-lover would think of such in a moment like this...
     We formed a circle around her bed and we sang...and we prayed...And we lit candles in an ICU ward (which I'm pretty sure is against the rules).  Today I think back and the tears start all over again recalling this precious, priceless  moment in time...now a memory...my friend now at peace and free of her cancer-ridden body and the rest of us here, still wanting to DO something, but feeling helpless and empty, just like that empty tomb...
     That's when it dawns on me...When there's nothing left to do...Be.
     Not to say there aren't tasks we can't help with...Not to say there aren't bills to be paid. But sometimes, when our busy-ness replaces our be-ingness, I think we miss the boat...Given a choice to run another errand or sit with her...hold her hand...and just BE...Let's just say, it was that being moment that sustains me now...and I suspect it is only in learning better how to Be, that I'll regain my footing once again.