Dog Guilt

     I have a dear friend who loves animals...dogs, cats, goats...you name it...She has lived on farms, in communes, worked in shelters...she's done it all.
     As I grew to know her better, I realized how deeply she missed all this life in her life so I invited her out to share mine.
     As you might imagine, she was a hit with the goats, and especially good with the dogs (both the big white fluffy ones on the outside and the little cute grey one on the inside). I could tell as she reminisced about living with hers (all past tense) this woman was a dog woman through and through. She didn't live on a farm anymore, but a dog person minus a dog, is like picker without a guitar. And this was one angel of a dog person, I could just tell...When she told me she no longer could have one it simply broke my heart.
     I assumed it something physical...Allergies? Fixed income?
     "Oh no. Nothing like that" she replied "I have dog guilt."
     I laughed, but she was serious. She might as well have said emphysema.
     Anyone who's had a dog knows dog guilt. It can happen with cats, but nowhere to the extreme. Dogs require our human interaction. Cats can take us or leave us. But with dogs no matter what you're doing, how much you're spending, how responsible you are, there is this thing called dog guilt that comes with the territory. (Can I get a witness?)
     I recall an interview we once did with a man obsessed with his dog. So for Fido's 15th, he set out to create the greatest birthday ever by asking himself "When is my dog happiest?" (Answer: When I walk through the door!)
     On Fido's special day, the man alerted his secretary, re-arranged his schedule, and mapped a plan to walk through his own back door every hour on the hour...8 brilliantly timed love gifts dispersed in hourly increments culminating in what could only have been grilled filets and a Lassie marathon.
     While obsessive, it was creative. (I was a little jealous I'd not thought of this myself.)
     Just then, a caller came on the line asking, "Did it ever occur to you what makes your dog saddest?" (Such as, every time you walk out the door?)
     All this to say, whether you rescue, foster or are simply a decent, responsible dog owner there is always room for guilt. You are not alone. You could be the Mother Teresa of dogdom (and I am not, but I have friends who are) guilt comes with it.   I have a lawyer friend who takes his dog to "Doggie Day Care" on his way to work, and picks him up for "Pup Scouts" after... Super guy. And one of the most guilt ridden people I know. All to say money and education have nothing to do with it. You got a dog, there will be guilt. It comes with the dog. . . No, I take that back. It comes with caring.
     When I asked my dog-loving friend how she overcame it, she said "I had to get rid of my dogs."

     I share this to say there are no easy answers. You know the day you fall in love with a puppy this day will come. Personally, I have dog guilt in spades. And if you feel dog guilt over the little things, you can only imagine the angst of those final days and the bitter guilt and pain when the options dwindle down.
     It begins with "Who am I to make this choice?" countered by "Who am I to let her suffer?" We are accused of playing God when we take up this topic, but I contend we play God every time we fill a prescription. That we can now extend life with steroids, pain meds, steel rods and surgeries.... is magnificent. But at what point does all this give way to what is most humane?
     To love something is to suffer. Anyway you cut it, there will be suffering...Theirs. Yours. Those who love and hurt for you in moments like these. It's a side effect of caring. The deeper the love, the greater the pain. But given the choice of all this vs. never loving at all...what options do we have, but to love and pray for strength.
     The gut-wrenching anguish of our past few days I must weigh in the balance against the love, the joy, the wisdom of the 15 years we shared.  I turn to my Rosey, my TJ, my Hix, my Rosebud...I have a choice as I feel this pain...Do I distance my heart lest I be here again? Start now to hold back now as if I could minimize future sorrow?
     Or do I open my heart up full throttle...loving even deeper and even harder, knowing every day  is but one more chance to live life more fully and to experience love in new ways... at new depths.