On Meaningful Friendships

     I had lunch today with a friend--one I don't see often enough. No matter how long we go between visits, I can count on our talks to be poignant...the take-away, always leaves me reflecting. We laugh a lot (mostly at ourselves) and we don't waste time on chit chat. I don't think we've ever discussed a TV show or a rumor we've heard, though we're big on sharing book ideas, new authors we've discovered or an insight that has moved us in some way.
     To me, that's what friendship is...a mirror on what matters...a pause on the "play" button of our lives where we stop to observe, through the eyes of someone we trust, what's really happening to us...how we really feel about things....where life finds us in the here and now.
     I've heard it said that our friends are those who bring out the side of us we like best--and the people who get under our skin, bring to light the persona we'd rather not acknowledge. To me, a friend is the person who is aware of both, and allows you to make peace with each. Sure, I'm happy to share what's working in my life, but truthfully, that's not where the growth happens. In friendship terms, that's not where roots grow deep. I've found it's in sharing the fears and the uncertainties that you really start to know a person. What worries silently haunt? What keeps us awake at night? I've come to realize that the tighter I keep these thoughts to myself, the more shallow the encounter...the more surface the friendship. Granted, there's a time and place (and certainly select people) for these moments, as sadly, there are those who delight in knowing your troubles. (Oh, to avoid these types entirely, but sadly, life does not always work that way.)
     I also have friends who prefer a perky, peppy me to anything resembling contemplative... Some simply need a break from their own problems; sadly, others have so identified with their problems, true help is not the goal of the conversation to start with, so you give 'em a boost and move on. These folks can usually count on my co-dependent, people-pleasing persona to give 'em my last ounce of juice, but while peppy in the moment, I've found these seldom evolve into my deeper, more meaningful relationships.

     It seems to me a strange dichotomy that while we all strive for perfection, perfection is not the stuff that deep friendships are made of. To the contrary, I've found it to be the very raw, very real imperfections we feel safe enough to share, that marks a friendship's depth potential. To voice the vulnerable, admit the uncertainties, doubts... even fears within the confines of a sacredly held friendship is a priceless treasure, for once you found a safe place to do so, knowing that the person across the table will love you in spite of your human frailties, even because of them...is to me, the mark of a genuinely meaningful friendship.