Tis the Season...(Not)

     At the risk of sounding Scroogish, or infecting anyone with full on holiday cheer, may I just say...I'm just not feeling it. It's odd, as I'm normally a nut about this holiday, but for some reason the vibe's just not clicking and while I could fake it (and certainly don't begrudge those who are feeling it) I'd rather stop and reflect, for I suspect of all the gifts I'm to get this season, this one may be my greatest gift of all.
     I've got theories. (You're talking to a girl who looks for meaning in dead deer carcasses...would not be me if I didn't think things to smithereens.) So here are a few... A list of The Many Possible Reasons Karlen's Not Into Christmas This Year:
     1) I've been to one too many funerals lately. While yes, these things lend perspective, I'm finding more sadness yet as I think on others' Christmases. For those facing firsts without husbands, sons, fathers, mothers....I am so very sad for your pain. Maybe my empathizer button got stuck...Hard to say, but what energy I'd normally be giving to Christmas cards and RSVPs, I've wanted to direct elsewhere... Visions of sugar plums don't dance in my head so much as visions of how I might be there for those dreading the holidays this year for entirely different reasons....
     2) Keenly aware of my own time and energy these days, I reflect on how easy it is to let these precious gifts go mindlessly, thoughtlessly out the window like some slow leak in an air balloon...Given the choice of catching up with an old friend or sticking to the "to do" list for the day, I find myself asking: Which one lifts? Which one drains? Which gives me energy? Which leaves me depleted? In the end, it's a no brainer. (Why I did not do this before, I shall never know.)
     3) I have far too much "stuff" already. Seriously. I cannot think of one more thing I could possible use (save for a box to put it all in, or a U-haul truck or a torch)~  I'm working to clear out clutter, not add to. The thought of bringing one more useless item into my house has me rethinking this custom entirely.  Matter of fact, why don't you shop from my basement, my shelves, my cabinets this year...? Can't wrap it for you, but I can tell you the story of why I kept it this long.
     4) Malls (to me) equal misery. Caught a glimpse of an ad yesterday and thought "Are you guys  trying to run us off?" Granted, I've never been a fan of malls, but add holidays?  No thank you. Nothing about malls suggest Peace on Earth in my book. I don't even want to drive near one. Since I know this valuable tidbit of info, why haven't I been using it? (Maybe I'm getting wiser with age, or maybe I'm just a slow learner.)
    And less you think I'm depressed, well, I've thought of that too. But I don't think that's it. For those who believe in the scripture: Ask and it shall be given, (and I am one) well this is my given--I asked for more meaning, more mindfulness in my day to day, but in so doing I failed to factor that this meant all that is mindless would be highlighted too.
    Given time once spent, is a gift gone for good, my meaningful request put my time-gift to the test. I've been on the lookout ever since for my greatest returns~
     So in thinking of holiday spending, (be it money, be it time, be it love)...like some Dave Ramsey devotee, I started mapping an intentional plan; I enter this season with an envelope of time units; I am determined to spend more wisely this year...(my money being the very least of it)
     For those who love me as I am...you won't spot a big difference. Time with you...THAT's top of my list. What's healthier, I ask? To continue handing time over just because it's expected? Just because we called it tradition? Give me that meaningful phone call or a chance to walk Radnor with a friend I've been too busy to take time for, over the guest soaps stacking up in my gift closet from people who barely know me and would probably prefer to be with their special people...I  think it's time for a reassessment of how we'd each rather spend such a sacred holiday.
     When it really got right down to it, it occurred to me I'd come home from too many gatherings asking, "What just happened? Why was I there? Did I love really going or did I fear they would talk about me if I didn't?"(Forgetting I am happiest when home in my fuzzy slippers...lighting candles and hugging goats.) This time, why don't I make this easier on all of us?
     Of all the things I cherish most, it's the people who know and love the real me...No guilt trips. No false expectations. Funny how meaningful people are all cool when you say, "Thank you for caring, but having given this more than a passing thought, I think I'll lie low this year. The best gift you could give me is your blessing and a prayer."
       I don't ask others join me in this,  nor do I begrudge anyone your larger than life event if that's what makes you happy. As for me, I'm just a girl trying to simplify...Getting real with others demands I first get real with myself, and for all our sakes, this is my gift of this season.
      No matter what's in that box, think I'll be my own present this year... being fully present whether alone, or with goats or with a treasured friend...that's my this year.  I'm craving more quiet these days. If it's all the same to you, what say we both avoid the malls, the generic gifts w/no meaning...These things just serve to remind I cost you your units too.
    What is wrong with sitting one out? Isn't that what we do when we've danced too fast or been tackled too hard? I don't need another bottle of lotion...another "gift set" bought in haste. It's finally dawning on me, (and not a moment too soon)  it really is the thought that counts, and I can feel when thought goes into a gift; but I can also feel no thought at all. (I suspect we all can). In the end, that no thought at all stuff starts to weigh you down. I for one, am out to ditch it.
     This year, I tender my resignation from those gatherings that do not uplift...do not feel real...Call it my own Tender Tennessee Christmas...
     With no hard feelings...(too the contrary...nothing but feeling ...)
     I seek only meaning in my holidays this year. (There. I'm setting an intention. Here's to my intentional holiday season.)