Living Alone vs. Being Alone

A very wise friend once said, “The only thing worse than being alone is wishing you were.” Having been there/done that, I laughed at her then, and I revere her wisdom now. For those of us who’ve lived this, can we agree, it’s neither fun nor funny when going through it.

So wise this advice that I began to notice just how many of my “coupled” friends had compromised themselves to the point I no longer recognized them. To be clear: I do have happily married friends.  But in all honesty (I am not being cynical here…this is merely observation) I don’t have many happily marrieds as I do peacefully singles. (Then again, being single myself, I realize we tend to draw to us our own type, so admittedly this is far from a scientific study).

That said, I honor the “happily married” ...Truth be told, I marvel at them. They are out there. I worship at their alter. I find theirs to be an endangered species, and I personally feel science should clone them, after all, who doesn’t want their recipe for success? But in my world it’s too often unhappily marrieds who turn to singles like me with which to vent their woes, thus I’m aware my survey is skewed. That said, it has served a useful purpose enough to lead me to decide for my own life, “Risk -- too high; Safer to stick with the life you know.”  At least I know what I’m coming home to at the end of the day. No one’s mood is gonna catch me off guard and ruin an otherwise happy one on my end. While not great bed-fellows, my goats are pretty consistent on the happy mood scale. You get to my age and you’re no longer up for the “Guess-What-Mood-I’m-In” Russian roulette of married life. Bottom line: I like knowing what awaits me end of day. Your grumpy day should not trump my elated one, nor should my bummer one bring you down. I’m sensitive. I’m getting older. I’m no longer up for sacrificing the joyful parts. It was at this point I made the conscious decision to re-direct my co-dependent, people-pleasing tendencies towards projects instead of significant others and so far, the decision is paying off. I get a lot done; my life is fulfilling; I’m a lot less neurotic (which makes others lives fulfilling :).  I’ll report back if I change my vote on this one, but I’m nowhere near that point today; I'm too busy. In all sincerity I love my life…and its friendships and its intentional choices; what’s more, I’m spotting a parallel trend in my single friends’ lives as well. 

However, I am intrigued by the myriad of responses generated from recent posts about living in community. (For those still figuring out how to post a reply, that one’s my fault…my apologies. No sooner did I commit (online and out loud) that I would do a daily blog about first time farming did I sit down the next day with my web girl only to find she had another, bigger and better gig awaiting.  Our last meeting consisted of “OK, well, can you at least  show me how to post, cause I just committed to doing this daily…” Beyond that, well, I’ve yet to find a new web girl for all the gardening and writing, but I’m sure she’s coming. We'll get the buttons figured out soon enough.

Moral of the story/reason for this blog…

The difference in living alone vs. BEING alone is to me…vast. And it’s critical to point out the difference.

I, like so many of my creative friends, like…(will even go so far as to say) PREFER living singly.  Far be it from me to give marital advice (never having been there) but when my married girlfriends come to hang, the one thing they seem to long for most is time to return to themselves…time to reunite with their own identity. They no doubt love their lives or they wouldn’t be in it…this is no reflection on their husbands, their children…their life choices. But when that inkling of a notion that reminds them of who they are, turns into that bitter, residue known as  guilt…well, it can pose a problem. How much does one give of themselves to the union? How much of that comes from your very being?

(Probably just as well I don’t have the “respond” button turned on here. I’ve spent 20 years fielding angry callers who misinterpreted what I said. It would be the “mute button” equivalent to not be hearing you now, but truth is, I DO want to hear, as I DO think we are (as a culture) robbing ourselves of the one most important ingredient in life, and that is self-reflection. That moment where we stop and ask, “But am I really happy? Am I living my bliss?” (Answer for which is: ____OK. YOU. YOU…the person reading this blog. STOP for a second; turn off the computer and ask yourself this question.)

Personally, I don’t have your answer. Heck, I’m working on that answer for myself. And I’m well aware of any number of substitutes for avoiding the question. I know we have fillers for filling up voids and I personally know how to dodge it artfully. But as the song says, either way, it’s ok, we wake up with ourselves . If you’re comfortable in your own waking moments, even in this instant, then keep on doing what you’re doing. What the world needs now may be love, sweet love. But to get there, I contend what the world needs now is more authentic souls being their authentic selves. In other words, the world needs YOU …being you.